Faith Stretcher

Well, surprisingly I have a moment to actually sit down and blog for a minute. As I sit here, I am watching Kyle and Isaiah sleeping together and am filled with overwhelming love for the both of them. Not sure life could get any better.

I am thankful Kyle was able to keep you all updated through my delivery. I know friends and family back home have were anxious and in constant state of prayer when I was in the hospital. Most of you know that I was in labor for 29 hours. 29 LONG hours. I NEVER in a million years would have expected my child birth to go this way. However, through it all, I am seeing that God has been teaching me something. After going in to the hospital on Sunday night and pushing all day Monday to no avail, I was starting to get discouraged. At one point after pushing for a couple of hours I mentally broke down and said I CANNOT DO IT! I CANNOT PUSH ANYMORE! I was angry. I was tired. I was hungry. I had given up. This is when the nurse got the doctor so he could discuss with me other options. I was begging for a C-section (which was ridiculous) and they said that it was not going to happen. So this is when the doctor suggested the vacuum. I said YES! I'll take it. He described to me that although the vacuum does help, I still had to push or else the baby would not come out. I realized I needed to change my attitude. Thankfully I was given an hour to rest. Somehow in that hour I actually got sleep! Through contractions and all. And man, what that hour of sleep did to rejuvenate me. It was amazing. All I needed was just a bit of rest. Like I said before, I was SO TIRED.

So I woke up and Kyle and I just prayed and prayed. I prayed for God's strength because it was evident that I could not do it on my own. The doctor comes in and explains we have thirty minutes to get the baby out with the vacuum or else I would be directly rushed into a C-section. Also, the vacuum could not pop off more then 3 times, or I would have to be rushed into a C-section for that as well. So as you can see, there was a lot of pressure. Well, the time came and I had to push. I pushed twice and then the vacuum popped off. It was intense. The doctor kept saying it's okay, we still have two more chances. Then another contraction came on and I pushed again and this is when Isaiah came out. His head came out but his shoulder got stuck. Kyle said this was the hardest part for him to watch that he had to just step away. Isaiah's shoulder was stuck for about 45 seconds which seemed like an eternity. This is when I had nurses on either side of me literally jump onto my stomach and pelvis and just started pushing down as hard as they could on me. I couldn't believe what was happening. All during this time everyone was still yelling for me to push. It was so bizarre. It almost felt like an outer body experience. I could feel myself pushing and could see everyone around me but I felt so numb and realized it was not ME pushing, but God giving me the strength to do it. So once Isaiah was out he was placed into the hands of NICU because he had pooped in the sac so they had to suck all the meconium out of him.

I couldn't believe he was finally out. Because he got stuck, I tore pretty badly on the inside. And I was hemorrhaging and lost a LOT of blood. So much blood that the next day I was given a blood transfusion. Everyone kept telling me how white I was. I felt lethargic and felt BLAH. The blood transfusion took about six hours, but thankfully was very helpful and all went well. I ended up staying in the hospital for a total of five days. In those five days there were numerous amounts of issues I was dealing with physically. It was a low point in my life. I felt helpless. I was miserable. I felt like I was hit by a Mack truck (x1000.)

All this to say that I realized God was teaching me something. He put me down physically so I would look to Him for any kind of strength. I realized I has so much sin in my life that I had totally lost focus and God was not my priority in EVERYTHING. Sin that I knew I needed to confess and just give to God, but had been holding onto and it was just lingering- which was getting in the way of my walk with Him. All these sins that I needed to let go of. Worry, anxiety, feeling like I have to be in control, selfishness, pride (just to name a few.) He put me down so He could be lifted up. The only thing that has been getting me through these past couple of days is being in a constant state of prayer. Literally. I pray when I have to go to the bathroom, I pray when I have to sit down, I pray when I have to walk anywhere, I pray when I breastfeed... because all of these things cause me physical pain that I cannot handle on my own. There are also other physical problems that I am dealing with. The first night home I was SO frustrated. SO discouraged. SO hormonal and emotional. But a friend came over and talked some sense into me. I had to let go and let God work. Yeah, I couldn't even get up on my own to pick up my child, to hold him, to change him. But that's why I have Kyle. God gave Isaiah TWO parents and Isaiah really needs Kyle during this time while I recover. Kyle's been doing an amazing job with his son and I know they are loving this time together.

I tell you all of this to say that even though this has been a testing time in my life, I am realizing that I needed to be laid down physically. I pray that I will endure this trial of my faith victoriously and not turn back in defeat. This test will either prove my faith right or it will kill it. If I believe on Him, everything that challenges me will only strengthen my faith.